It’s true what they say…smoking will kill you.
So anyway, I come to you today in somewhat of a daze. I’ve seen some things lately that have simply blown my mind and sent my brain spinning, namely stupid people doing stupid things as they tailgate at a baseball game. It never ceases to amaze me what stupid people do. I know I shouldn’t be too surprised. They are, after all, stupid people, and only stupid people would spend their pre-game festivities at a baseball game holding a beer in one hand and a tennis racket in the other, slopping beer all over themselves as they volley a PENN back and forth.
Yes…tennis…while tailgating at a baseball game. I shit you not.
What could possibly inspire a couple of retards to head out to a baseball game to play tennis to the radio cadence of the Cleveland Indians scouting report (other than the fact that they’re retards)? FUCKING TENNIS!!! It’s already bad enough that some guys will toss a football back and forth. I’ve seen this on several occasions. Who the hell tosses a football around at a baseball game? You don’t see tailgaters at Raider games playing catch with a baseball do you? First of all, you can’t have a mitt on one hand, a baseball in the other, and hold a beer (or a knife) all at the same time. It’s physically impossible. Oh sure, I suppose we could challenge the “physically impossible” theory and discuss all realms of possibility to debunk said claim, but I’d rather not go there. Second, it’s a football game lest you forget, and football venues play host to a completely different crowd altogether. Sticking with the example above, if a couple of morons were caught playing catch with a baseball at a Raider game, they would be killed on the spot most grievously by a conclave of other morons who feel it’s necessary to dress up for Halloween in December and cheer their team to an eventual season record of 3-13. These are the same people who yearn to quench their desire to stab somebody (hence the knife) before the day is done (most likely set on by the fact that their pitiful team is destined to finish the season with a record of 3-13). Can you imagine the carnage that would be left behind if a couple of dweebs decided to amp themselves up for a Raider game by playing tennis in the parking lot before the game? I shudder to conjure the scene.
So anyway, there I was walking through the parking lot of Angel Stadium recently, looking forward to watching my team rack up some runs, hits, and RBIs, and I see these two idiots trying to break Deuce with no net between them. It was pretty sad. So then I started thinking. Can tailgating possibly get any worse than a couple of guys playing tennis just minutes before a kid yells “PLAY BALL”? Perhaps. Imagine getting out of your car and heading for the gates. Off to your left you see a group of adults and kids decked out in the home-team colors, complete with foam fingers and banners. Straight ahead, you see a small contingent of tailgaters 4-cars wide, donning the colors of their favorite teams as they enjoy drinks and hot food right off the grill. To your right you see a couple of stupid fuckers playing jai alai off the side of a Winnebago.
Brace yourself for the utterly ridiculous sight of a couple of stupid fuckers playing jai alai off the side of a Winnebago while tailgating at a baseball game, because I’m convinced it’s bound to happen sooner or later.
So now I have to ask if it could get even more unconscionable. I mean, if it’s possible to see people playing tennis at the ballpark, would it be a surprise to anyone to see a group of liquored up pre-gamers standing on either side of a mocked-up net strung between two cars playing badminton? I don’t think so. After all, badminton and tennis are basically the same game in principal anyway, and we already know the tennis thing has been done.
What about a couple of dudes sitting on the ground with a chalk-circle between them shooting marbles? Wouldn’t that be fun to see? I can hear the 4th inning radio announcement now: “Hey fans, don’t forget that tomorrow is ‘Bring Your Steely To The Ballpark’ night. All tailgaters who successfully ‘Keepsies’ a Steely from an opponent will receive a coupon for Uncle Knuckle-Down Marble, good for 20% off your next purchase, valid at participating stores only. See the official rules for details as some restrictions do apply…here’s the 2-1 pitch to Hunter”.
Tennis. Jai Alai. Marbles. Badminton. These are not the activities you’d expect to see from intelligent sports fans at tailgate parties. This is the sort of brainless shit you’d expect to see from fans that go to a game wearing the jersey of their favorite player when that same player is now on a different team. You know the type. There he is, some dumb-ass who claims to be a huge Red Sox fan, wearing his old Manny Ramirez jersey to a home game at Fenway Park, as roid-soaked Ma’amRam strikes out 3,000 miles away in his Dodger blue. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be at a game. Whenever I see some dude gallivanting around the mall in his ridiculously gay open-toed sandals, cargo shorts, and San Francisco 49ers Terrell Owens jersey…some 6 years removed from the 49ers roster…I see somebody who needs to be shot in the badminton while holding onto his marbles with his tailgate between his legs.
I’d be first in line to pull the trigger too, and I would definitely aim as jai alai as possible in order to separate the incongruous New York Jets cap he’s wearing from the top of his empty head.
But let me get back to my original plight. When the hell did this mix-and-match epidemic in the world of sports take place (I bet it happened on a Tuesday, but I digress)? When did getting together to indulge in the joyous favors of friends, family, food, drinks, pre-game excitement, and the anticipation of a great baseball game become joined at the hip by a fraught game of croquet in front of Gate 3? I’m simply at a loss. I suppose it’s possible that I was actually there the day this all took hold, but I may have been distracted when I was forced to dive over a parking barrier in order to avoid being dismembered in turn 4 of that night’s Tailgate 500 NASCAR race.
I’ll probably never know (sigh).
I can’t stand the idea of accepting things as they are, but I guess I’ll just have to deal with it…tailgating has taken a turn for the surreal, and we’re all soaking in the same pot. So gather up your Frisbees, lawn darts, volleyballs, Jacks, chess sets, tetherball poles and squash paddles, and head on out to a baseball game to enjoy the uninhibited pleasures that only a tailgating party can offer. Oh, and one more thing…make sure you take the time between beers and bratwursts to have yourselves a paper airplane throwing contest. What would a tailgate party be without one of those bad boys!!!
C
