Grab your skates and camel. Let's go ice-fishing while we can!!!

Did you know that it’s illegal to tie your pet dog to the roof of your car in Alaska? I didn’t either. I was stunned when I found that out. Mind you, I don’t live in Alaska, but if I did, one of the first things that would occur to me would be the convenience of tying my Chihuahua Scooter to the roof of my car so I could free up my hands to fetch from the back seat the whale blubber I plan on eating for dinner that night.

Did you also know that it’s illegal to fish off a giraffe’s back in Idaho? Well, it is. Sorry about that. I know I’ve just crushed the hearts of many of Idaho’s most dedicated giraffe-mounting ice fishermen. But don’t despair, my friends. You can still fish from the back of a camel. That isn’t illegal. Yet.

How about this one? Did you have the slightest clue that it’s illegal to bite off another person’s leg in Rhode Island? Can you believe that? I just found out myself. I’m pissed off about it too, because I planned on going to the Providence Femur Festival next summer, but now I have to change all of my plans. I really don’t want to risk being taken down in a raid as I’m chomping through some screaming dude’s hamstring.

Has it ever occurred to anybody how utterly ridiculous some of the laws are in this country? Were you even aware of the fact that you can’t let your pig run free through the streets of Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose? I’m fairly sure that’s a new one to just about everybody, except for the fine people of Detroit, of course. But I digress. We are supposedly a nation full of intelligent, law making and law-abiding citizens. But when you chew a little fat off the femur, it should be blatantly obvious that “intelligent” is simply the wrong word to use when describing both the people who make these laws, and the people who exit the polls with a cute little “I Voted” sticker on their shirts.

Who makes this shit up, and why? If you haven’t figured that out yet, let me tell you. It’s a bunch of stupid people who sit around a conference table and try to figure out how to control other stupid people who are ready and willing to abide by stupid laws. It’s that simple. When one group of people in Kansas says it’s illegal to use mules to hunt ducks, and another group of people sell off all their German Longhaired Pointer mules at the announcement of said law, how can you NOT see how stupid some of the laws and people in this country can be?

Here’s something else to think about. Why is the legal age of adulthood in this country 18? Why isn’t it 17, or 16, or 19? Why is the legal age to drink 21, instead of 20, or 19, or 23? Is there something magical about the day I turned 18 that made my voting opinion more valid than it was 10 or 13 months earlier? Is there some mystifying energy in the universe that dictates I’m ready to drive a car on my own the day I turn 16, as opposed to the moment I reach the age of 19 years, 8 months, and 2 weeks?

The answer is an equivocal “of course not”. These numbers are nothing more that arbitrary figures that were made up by a group of stupid people. Somewhere down the road, these people got together and picked random numbers to tell me who I can be, and when. How ridiculous is that? According to these people, you can’t legally drink an alcoholic beverage until you’re 21, but you can vote on issues pertaining to alcohol when your 18. I find that to be nothing short of stupid, especially when you consider that a glass of wine at dinner is just as common in many European countries as a glass of water is in America, and many of those glasses of wine are put in front of 8 year old kids who will probably live to be 94.

Here’s something else about this whole “numbers thing” that has my wand in a knot. If the intelligent lawmaking people in this country are willing to allow a kid who isn’t quite 16 years-old drive a car…as long as he’s with a licensed adult…then why can’t a 16 year-old girl have sex with her 18 year-old boyfriend as long as they have sex under parental supervision? Seriously.

What is so special about these arbitrary numbers that have been chiseled into law? If an irresponsible and violent child at the age of 16 can be tried and convicted of murder as an adult, then why can’t a responsible and intelligent child of the same age be given the right to dip his or her toes into the world of adulthood if they feel they’re ready, especially if their upbringing has put them in a position to accept such a challenge?

This train of thought does not require a degree in “Smartology” people. All you have to do is open your eyes, and you will see. Give it a shot. You might be surprised by what you discover. Oh, and just in case you live in Oklahoma, you can’t go whaling, so put down the harpoon. You can, however, take a bath between October and March, which the intelligent lawmaking people of Indiana seem to frown upon.

Now that I think about it, EVERY day of the year lies somewhere between October and March. I think I’ll ditch my plans to attend the Mistletoe Extravaganza in French Lick this year. That would be me doing what few others do…being smart.

C