FADE IN:
INT. KODAK THEATER - LOS ANGELES - NIGHT
A buzz, not unlike the Academy Awards, electrifies the theater. Men and women dressed in elegant gowns and tuxedos fill the seats. Flash bulbs flicker from the balcony of this magical setting. Beautiful red carpet, somber lighting, music from an orchestra.
A glorious stage. Huge waves of scarlet red satin curtains trimmed in gold serve as the gorgeous backdrop to this magical altar of recognition. Two golden apples as big as cars flank the stage. Curtains part at the center of the stage to reveal an awesome, spiral staircase.
Actress JESSICA ALBA descends the staircase to applause, envelope in hand. Her silver gown, adorned with delicate sequins, glimmers like diamonds. Her long flowing hair and gorgeous smile own the moment. She sleeks across the stage seductively, yet professionally, with class.
INT. KODAK THEATER - CONTINUOUS
WALTER AVAGON, mid-40’s, slightly graying hair, sits in the audience. His tuxedo and bowtie are immaculate. He smiles and rubs his palms together.
WALTER
(to self)
This is it.
The applause fades. Jessica Alba steps up to a microphone that rises up through the stage on a long, slender pole. The orchestra falls silent and all is quiet throughout.
JESSICA ALBA
Teachers. They guide us. They protect us. They inspire us. They become our compass when we lose our way, our disciplinarians when we lose our focus, and our cheerleaders when we get discouraged
and lose confidence in our abilities.
Walter palms his chest with a sigh and a smile
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
(O.S.)
They defy the possible when they stretch our imaginations, and laugh at the impossible as they strive to make our dreams come true.
WALTER
(to self)
Yes I do.
JESSICA ALBA
Most important of all, they become our heroes when we enter the real world and realize that nothing could be possible without them. (BEAT) The nominations for “Teacher Of The Year” are…
Walter closes his eyes with a smile and takes a deep breath.
WALTER
(to self)
Here we go.
JESSICA ALBA
Mrs. Steinakert.
A young woman in the audience sits with a group of children. All are dressed in casual clothing…a stark contrast to the tuxedos and gowns around them. The kids cheer at the announcement of her name. Walter smiles politely and applauds with the rest of the theater’s attendants.
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
Mrs. Flint.
MRS. FLINT, a large black woman with a beautiful smile and blonde perm, raises her fists into the air. She and her close entourage of young children wear everyday clothing. She pumps her fists up and down.
MRS. FLINT
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!
The children around her mimic her actions. They end their fun antics with laughter and applause to match the audience.
JESSICA ALBA
Mr. Beanblossom.
WILLY BEANBLOSSOM, slightly balding, middle-aged, sits rather calmly with a silly, oaf-like grin on his face. He wears shorts and a Spike The Wonderdog T-shirt. The children around him wear clothing similar to the other kids in the theater. They hoot and holler on his behalf. The audience applauds his nomination.
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
And (BEAT) MR. AVAGON!
The Kodak Theater erupts into an Earth-shattering, chandelier rattling standing ovation. Silly-String, streamers, red and gold ribbons, balloons and confetti, shower down upon the crowd. Walter stands and takes a bow. He blows kisses to all, near and far. Jessica Alba cries happy tears. She wipes one gently from her cheek.
INT. KODAK THEATER - CONTINUOUS
The noise dies down, audience take their seats. Walter sits down and looks toward the stage with a huge smile. He gives his tux a confident tug. A stray, celebratory gold balloon floats by.
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
And the TOTY goes to…
Jessica Alba winks at Walter. He blows her a kiss. She opens the envelope with a smile. Walter’s exited anticipation reveals itself in his wide eyes.
To Walter’s left, a young GIRL in denim shorts and a yellow shirt leans toward him.
GIRL
Mr. Avagon?
SHOCK CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - DAY
Walter, in a dark blue suit and tie, jumps out of his seat with his hands held high in the air.
WALTER
(shouting)
YEEEESSSS!!!
Hundreds of chairs SQUEAK as students and teachers turn to address the outburst that has interrupted the school assembly. The startled girl in denim shorts and yellow shirt stares at Walter oddly and leans as far away from him as possible.
The other “nominees” and their students, dressed and seated as they were in Walter’s fantasy, stare at Walter in utter confusion. Scattered giggles. Walter’s eyes dart left and right. Obviously embarrassed, he lowers his arms and smiles nervously as he sits down.
Jessica Alba is gone. In her place is a frumpy looking WOMAN with long, unkempt hair and coke bottle glasses. She wears light-gray sweats and holds a folded piece of paper. The stage décor resembles the Kodak Theater, but pales in grandeur. She clears her throat.
WOMAN
Yes, we’re all excited aren’t we?
Her pathetic laugh resembles a machine gun.
WOMAN (cont.)
Anyway, as I was about to announce, the winner of this year’s TOTY Award is…
She fumbles with the paper. It fights to be unfolded. She prevails.
WOMAN (cont.)
MR. BEANBLOSSOM!!!
Every seat empties in an uproar of cheers. Willy sits with the same silly, oaf-like smile on his face as he did in the Kodak Theater. His students erupt at the announcement of his name. They hug, pat, and otherwise mob him. Willy’s goofy demeanor never changes.
Walter is the only person in the auditorium who sits. He stares angrily and painfully into empty space, as his moment of glory eludes him.
COLLAGE:
-SUPER: “The Following Year”. Same auditorium. Same ceremony. Willy, in shorts and a Ren and Stimpy t-shirt, wins the TOTY again. Walter, in a brown suit and tie, squirms angrily in his chair when Willy’s name is announced. The ovation is deafening.
-SUPER: “And The Year After That”. Once again, this time in shorts and a Snoopy shirt, Willy wins the TOTY. The students erupt in an avalanche of cheers. Walter, in a gray suit, angrily yanks the silver tie from around his neck.
END COLLAGE
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
Walter, still in his gray suit, exits a classroom, closes the door angrily. He walks quickly, with purpose, briefcase and silver tie held in one hand. A man enters the far end of the hallway behind Walter. He sees Walter and begins to hustle toward him.
This is PRINCIPAL WARD, a man in his sixties with thick gray hair. He has the beard and moustache to match. His dark slacks and maroon polo shirt look quite comfortable.
PRINCIPAL WARD
Walter, wait up.
Walter stops dead in his tracks. He doesn’t turn. He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, stressfully. Principal Ward reaches Walter and greets him with a smile. Walter is bland, listless.
PRINCIPAL WARD
I’m glad I caught you before you left. I wanted to talk to you about a couple of things.
WALTER
Hmm.
PRINCIPAL WARD
(sigh)
Oh Walter, I’m sorry you didn’t win the TOTY. I know how much it means to you. All these years and you’re still trying to get your hands on the brass.
WALTER
(stale)
Thanks for reminding me.
PRINCIPAL WARD
You know, if it were totally up to me I’d give it to you right now. You deserve it.
Principal Ward becomes excited.
PRINCIPAL WARD (cont.)
But anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something else that just might cheer you up. I have good news.
WALTER
Good news?
PRINCIPAL WARD
The district is setting us up with the RAD program next year!
WALTER
Rad program?
PRINCIPAL WARD
The Rapid Aptitude Development program. It’s for really bright kids who are WAY ahead of the normal curriculum. These kids will probably be taking college courses in high school!
WALTER
And you’re telling me this because…
PRINCIPAL WARD
We have a small group of eight remarkable students committed to the program for next year. And “next year” is only three months away. I don’t want to hash this out over the summer. I want everything to be in place before the last day of school.
WALTER
In place?
PRINCIPAL WARD
Yes! I need to move a teacher into the RAD program!
Walter’s bland, stiff expression softens. He even cracks a small smile.
WALTER
Really!
PRINCIPAL WARD
This is the last week of school, and I really don’t want to spend the summer calling teachers, leaving messages, trying to set the staff, so on and so forth.
WALTER
Of course not!
PRINCIPAL WARD
Of course not!
Principal Ward begins to pace back and forth.
PRINCIPAL WARD (cont.)
I need a good teacher. A strong teacher. A teacher who knows the inner workings of the child’s mind like no one else.
Walter smiles and nods bashfully.
PRINCIPAL WARD (cont.)
I need somebody who can give these kids the wings to soar, yet keep them grounded and down to Earth at the same time. A teacher with the skills to tap into their potential every day and build a strong foundation for their futures.
Walter’s bashfulness intensifies. He giggles. Principal Ward stops pacing and addresses Walter with a smile.
PRINCIPAL WARD (cont.)
I need a man with a plan! Know what I mean?
Walter sighs with a huge smile. He nods.
WALTER
Yeah.
PRINCIPAL WARD
I knew you would. That’s why I’m asking you to take over Mr. Beanblossom’s sixth grade class next year. What do you say?
Walter stares intently at the man before him. The smile never leaves his face.
WALTER
What?
PRINCIPAL WARD
Willy has accepted to take the reigns over the RAD class, so I have a vacancy in sixth grade. It’s all yours! That is, if you want it.
Walter struggles to hold his smile.
WALTER
What?
Principal Ward chuckles and slaps Walter on the arm.
PRINCIPAL WARD
You crack me up Walter. I know a “yes” when I hear one. I can’t tell you how much this helps me out. Sixth grade will be in good hands next year.
One more slap to Walter’s shoulder sends Principal Ward away. Several moments pass. The smile on Walter’s face turns to an expression of excruciatingly painful anger. He wants to scream.
He moves back and forth across the hall very quickly. He turns the knobs of one locked door after another. Walter finds the unlocked door he’s been looking for. His face is red with rage.
INT. CLASSROOM - SAME
Inside the classroom, Walter spots a cardboard box labeled “lost and found”. He runs to the box and pulls out an article of clothing. He buries his face deep into the pink sweatshirt. He jerks violently up, down, and side to side. He screams as loud as he can.
END SCENE
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Hey Ron, sorry it took me a while to get around to this.
ReplyDeleteI made notes in your actual script, I made them in blue and was going to email you but you don't have an email address on Movie Poet.
So the blue doesn't show up which will proably mean you'll miss most of them!
Mel
INT. KODAK THEATER - LOS ANGELES - NIGHT
A buzz, not unlike the Academy Awards, electrifies the theater. Men and women dressed in elegant gowns and tuxedos fill the seats. Flash bulbs flicker from the balcony of this magical setting. Beautiful red carpet, somber lighting, music from an orchestra.
You set the scene very well here, a grand opening.
A glorious stage. Huge waves of scarlet red satin curtains trimmed in gold serve as the gorgeous backdrop to this magical altar of recognition. Two golden apples as big as cars flank the stage. Curtains part at the center of the stage to reveal an awesome, spiral staircase.
And then go on for just too long, allow the reader to fill in some of the scene with their imagination. You could lose the whole of the above paragraph and then have Miss Alba descending the grand, spiral stair case below.
Actress JESSICA ALBA descends the staircase to applause, envelope in hand. I think finish here, it's going on too long again.
(Her silver gown, adorned with delicate sequins, glimmers like diamonds. Her long flowing hair and gorgeous smile own the moment. She sleeks across the stage seductively, yet professionally, with class.) cut
INT. KODAK THEATER – CONTINUOUS – You don't need another slugline here, just a new line taking our attention to Walter, for example: in the audience sits WALTER....
WALTER AVAGON, mid-40’s, slightly (DON'T USE ADVERBS! Sorry to yell but please, it's a real no-no and I know it's hard to stop, I really struggled and got annoyed and couldn't understand why they weren't allowed but they're passive and lazy – is his hair graying or isn't it?) graying hair, sits in the audience. His tuxedo and bowtie are immaculate.
(you've brought the suit into play by giving it a verb, try instead: in the audience sits WALTER AVAGNON, 45, graying hair, immaculate tuxedo. Do you need to tell us about the bow tie? Don't all tux's come with a bowtie? Every word counts remember, make sure they're worth it. He smiles and rubs his palms together. You must know a better word than smiles! Grins, smirks, simpers, beams ... you get my drift.
WALTER
(to self) (is this necessary, we know he's not speaking to anyone else because you haven't introduced anyone else.)
This is it.
The applause fades. Jessica Alba steps up to a microphone
(that rises up through the stage on a long, slender pole. The orchestra falls silent and all is quiet throughout.) unnecessary, doesn't move the action forward, it's just wordy dressing.
JESSICA ALBA
Teachers. They guide us. They protect us. They inspire us. They become our compass when we lose our way, our disciplinarians when we lose our focus, and our cheerleaders when we get discouraged
and lose confidence in our abilities.(love it)
Walter palms his chest with a sigh and a smile.
good first page, setting up a great laugh and telling us how much winning the TOTY means to Walt.
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
(O.S.) Why OS? That's a director's call in this instance.
They defy the possible when they stretch our imaginations, and laugh at the impossible as they strive to make our dreams come true.
WALTER
(to self)
Yes I do.
JESSICA ALBA
Most important of all, they become our heroes when we enter the real world and realize that nothing could be possible without them. (BEAT)(this has gone really out of fashion, I still really like it but there are other variations such as.. (and then) and certainly not in CAPS) The nominations for “Teacher Of The Year” are…
Walter closes his eyes with a smile (make this boring little smile tell us something, is it sanctimonious, self satisfied, slimy, orgasmic?) and takes a deep breath. Then you won't need the big breath
WALTER
(to self)
Here we go.
JESSICA ALBA
Mrs. Steinakert.
A young woman in the audience sits with a group of children. All are dressed in casual clothing…a stark contrast to the tuxedos and gowns around them. The kids cheer (at the announcement of her name.)-cut. Walter smiles politely (grimaces?) and applauds (with the rest of the theater’s attendants.) unecessary, cut
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
Mrs. Flint.
MRS. FLINT, a large black woman with a beautiful smile and blonde perm, raises her fists into the air. (She and her close entourage of young children wear everyday clothing.) - why is the everyday clothing important, it becomes very repetitive. Your next line tells us a lot about her. She pumps her fists up and down. - great bit of character through show don't tell.
MRS. FLINT
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!
The children around her mimic her actions. They end their fun antics with laughter and applause to match the audience.
JESSICA ALBA
Mr. Beanblossom.
WILLY BEANBLOSSOM, slightly (is he or isn't he?) balding, middle-aged, sits rather calmly (relaxes?) with a silly, oaf-like grin on his face. He wears shorts and a Spike The Wonderdog T-shirt. (The children around him wear clothing similar to the other kids in the theater) cut. They hoot and holler on his behalf. (The audience applauds his nomination.) - cut, we know they're gonna be clapping
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
And (BEAT) MR. AVAGON!
The Kodak Theater erupts into an Earth-shattering, chandelier rattling standing ovation. Silly-String, streamers, red and gold ribbons, balloons and confetti, shower down upon the crowd. Walter stands and takes a bow. He blows kisses to all, near and far. Jessica Alba cries happy tears. She wipes one gently from her cheek. - love it, very over the top, perfect for his fantasy, really shows us what Walt is like when we realise it's fantasy
INT. KODAK THEATER – CONTINUOUS – don't need a new slug.
The noise dies down, audience take their seats. Walter sits down and looks toward the stage with a huge smile (how many smiles! Come on Ron!). He gives his tux a confident tug. A stray, celebratory gold balloon floats by.
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
And the TOTY goes to…
Jessica Alba winks at Walter. He blows her a kiss. She opens the envelope with a smile. Walter’s exited (typo - excited) anticipation reveals itself in his wide eyes.
To Walter’s left, a young GIRL in denim shorts and a yellow shirt leans toward him.
GIRL
Mr. Avagon?
SHOCK CUT TO: (take this out, it's for a shooting script not submitting!)
INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - DAY
Walter, in a dark blue suit and tie, jumps out of his seat with his hands held high in the air.
WALTER
(shouting)
YEEEESSSS!!!
Hundreds of chairs SQUEAK as students and teachers turn to address the outburst that has interrupted the school assembly. The startled girl in denim shorts and yellow shirt stares at Walter oddly and leans as far away from him as possible. (stares/oddly – try to find one word for this kind of description)
Very funny moment above.
The other “nominees” and their students, dressed and seated as they were in Walter’s fantasy, stare at Walter in utter confusion. Scattered giggles. Walter’s eyes dart left and right. Obviously (don't need obviously, embarrassed will do) embarrassed, he lowers his arms and smiles! nervously! as he sits down.
Jessica Alba is gone. In her place is a frumpy looking WOMAN (name her, much more intimate and inviting to a reader, especially as you describe her so well) with long, unkempt hair and coke bottle glasses. She wears light-gray sweats and holds a folded piece of paper. The stage décor resembles the Kodak Theater, but pales in grandeur. She clears her throat.
WOMAN
Yes, we’re all excited aren’t we? (v. funny)
Her pathetic laugh resembles a machine gun.- this takes away from the humour of the above line
WOMAN (cont.)
Anyway, as I was about to announce, the winner of this year’s TOTY Award is…
She fumbles with the paper. It fights to be unfolded. She prevails.
WOMAN (cont.)
MR. BEANBLOSSOM!!!
Every seat empties in an uproar of cheers. (Willy sits with the same silly, oaf-like smile on his face as he did in the Kodak Theater. His students erupt at the announcement of his name. They hug, pat, and otherwise mob him.) cut all that and just have this - Willy’s goofy demeanor never changes as his class mob him
(Walter is the only person in the auditorium who sits). Walter does not cheer – 4 words instead of 10 telling us the same thing. He stares angrily and painfully(he glares, hurt,) into empty space, (as his moment of glory eludes him.)- don't need this, you've shown us his glory eludes him, don't tell us too.
COLLAGE: - I think you mean MONTAGE
-SUPER: “The Following Year”. Same auditorium. Same ceremony. Willy, in shorts and a Ren and Stimpy t-shirt, wins the TOTY again. Walter, in a brown suit and tie, squirms (angrily in his chair when Willy’s name is announced. cut) The ovation is deafening. The ovation deafens, get rid of ing words, be active.
-SUPER: “And The Year After That”. Once again, this time in shorts and a Snoopy shirt, Willy wins the TOTY. The students erupt in an avalanche of cheers. Walter, in a gray suit, angrily yanks the silver tie from around his neck.
END COLLAGE
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
Walter, still in his gray suit, exits a classroom, closes the door angrily (you've just used that word above, find something different). He walks quickly, with purpose, (he strides) briefcase and silver tie held in one hand. (try and break up your descriptive passages into shorter lines – a new line for each new shot) A man enters the far end of the hallway behind Walter. He sees Walter and begins to hustle toward him.
This is PRINCIPAL WARD, a man in his sixties with thick gray hair. He has the beard and moustache to match. His dark slacks and maroon polo shirt look quite comfortable.(You're very into clothes descriptions, I'm not sure how much it tells us about the character, I feel like I'm reading a fashion article! I get it for Willy but here how important is it?)
PRINCIPAL WARD
Walter, wait up.
Walter stops dead in his tracks. He doesn’t turn. (He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, stressfully.) - the fact he doesn't turnb shows us how stressed he is. Principal Ward reaches Walter and greets him with a smile. Walter is bland, listless.
PRINCIPAL WARD
I’m glad I caught you before you left. I wanted to talk to you about a couple of things.(cut this line, it tells us nothing, come straight in with Ward's next line)
WALTER
Hmm.
PRINCIPAL WARD
(sigh) ?
Oh Walter, I’m sorry you didn’t win the TOTY. I know how much it means to you. All these years and you’re still trying to get your hands on the brass.
WALTER
(stale)??
Thanks for reminding me.
PRINCIPAL WARD
You know, if it were totally up to me I’d give it to you right now. You deserve it.
Principal Ward becomes excited.- cut this line and put excited in the parenthicals.
PRINCIPAL WARD (cont.)
But anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something else that just might cheer you up. I have good news.
WALTER
Good news?
PRINCIPAL WARD
The district is setting us up with the RAD program next year!
WALTER
Rad program?
PRINCIPAL WARD
The Rapid Aptitude Development program. It’s for really bright kids who are WAY ahead of the normal curriculum. These kids will probably be taking college courses in high school!
WALTER
And you’re telling me this because…
PRINCIPAL WARD
We have a small group of eight remarkable students committed to the program for next year. And “next year” is only three months away. I don’t want to hash this out over the summer. I want everything to be in place before the last day of school.
WALTER
In place?
PRINCIPAL WARD
Yes! I need to move a teacher into the RAD program!
(Walter’s bland, stiff expression softens. He even cracks a small smile.) - cut, his next word shows us all this
WALTER
Really!
PRINCIPAL WARD
This is the last week of school, and I really don’t want to spend the summer calling teachers, leaving messages, trying to set the staff, so on and so forth.
WALTER
Of course not!
PRINCIPAL WARD
Of course not!
Principal Ward begins to pace back and forth.
PRINCIPAL WARD (cont.)
I need a good teacher. A strong teacher. A teacher who knows the inner workings of the child’s mind like no one else.
Walter smiles!!!! and nods bashfully.
PRINCIPAL WARD (cont.)
I need somebody who can give these kids the wings to soar, yet keep them grounded and down to Earth at the same time. A teacher with the skills to tap into their potential every day and build a strong foundation for their futures.
Walter’s bashfulness intensifies. He giggles. Principal Ward stops pacing (and addresses Walter with a smile.) cut
PRINCIPAL WARD (cont.)
I need a man with a plan! Know what I mean?
(Walter sighs with a huge smile. He nods.) - doesn't tell us anything new, lose it
WALTER
Yeah.
PRINCIPAL WARD
I knew you would. That’s why I’m asking you to take over Mr. Beanblossom’s sixth grade class next year. What do you say?
Walter stares (intently at the man before him.)-cut. The smile never leaves his face.
WALTER
What?
PRINCIPAL WARD
Willy has accepted to take the reigns over the RAD class, so I have a vacancy in sixth grade. It’s all yours! That is, if you want it.
Walter struggles to hold his smile.
WALTER
What?
Principal Ward chuckles and slaps Walter on the arm.
PRINCIPAL WARD
You crack me up Walter. I know a “yes” when I hear one. I can’t tell you how much this helps me out. Sixth grade will be in good hands next year.
One more slap to Walter’s shoulder sends Principal Ward away. Several moments pass. The smile on Walter’s face turns to ** an expression of excruciatingly painful anger. (**rage? One word conveys the same meaning instead of six) He wants to scream.
He moves back and forth across the hall very quickly. He turns the knobs of one locked door after another.(you've just told us the same thing twice – why not: Walter zig-zags from door to door, searching for an unlocked room, steam coming out of his ears. Then lose this next line too). Walter finds the unlocked door he’s been looking for. His face is red with rage.
INT. CLASSROOM – SAME - CONTINUOUS
Inside the classroom, (your slug tells us we're in a classroom, don't repeat it) Walter spots a cardboard box labeled “lost and found”. He runs to the box and pulls out an article of clothing.(Why not: Walter spies a Lost & Found box, races over, yanks out a sweatshirt and buries his puce face in it. Muffled screams reverberate as he stamps his feet. - 28 words instead of 45) He buries his face deep into the pink sweatshirt. He jerks violently up, down, and side to side. He screams as loud as he can.
END SCENE
You use a lot of words that are unnecessary, screenwriting needs to be brief and to the point – for example:
1.A mansion on a hill. Thunder.
2.A big house stands alone on a windswept plain as rain starts to lash againsts its windows and lightning illuminates broken windows.
Number one tells us the same as number two because it allows our imagination to fill in the blanks.
Read screenplays, its the best learning tool available and there's rarely any excess language –( very rich coming from me, you should check out my gothic horror Hunter's Moon!)
It's a good opening but I feel you spend 8 pages telling us about Walter and nothing else. I also couldn't find the central question in those pages. The central question, or theme, or the lesson that is to be learnt needs to be stated usually between pages 2-5.
The humour in it come through because Walt's such a wally.
Anyway, enough from me, take it all with a pinch of salt and I hope you get a little bit of something useful there!