The Answer Is NOT “Earth”!

Uh oh. If I’m posting one of my infrequent blogs, it must mean I feel the need to insult, degrade, trash, and talk shit about stupid people. I’m kind of big on that. If there’s one thing that brightens up my day more than anything else, it’s sharing my observations on the sorts of people who believe the Space Needle is a huge needle used to inflate space. They exist. Stupid people, that is. Not huge space-inflating needles. But you already knew that. At least I hope you did. If you didn’t, stop what you’re doing right now and go leap to your death from the Gateway Arch. Just watch out for the big swinging gate on the way down. Oh, and be careful not to let your collar get snagged on one of the big hinges. We don’t need you sort of people hanging around.

So anyway, to begin with the old cliché, “just when I thought…” I have once again stumbled upon the improbable discovery of a person stupider than the previously perceived stupidest person alive. I didn’t think that was possible. I’m always dumbfounded and stupefied when I come across somebody who’s more dumb and stupid than reason would suggest. I mean, isn’t it reasonable to believe that a woman whose best idea for retrieving a Frisbee from a rooftop is to lasso it down, is indeed the stupidest person alive? You think I’m kidding, don’t you. I’m not. Her name was Jeannie McKelroy, and the lasso idea she conjured up amidst the swarm of gnats pin-balling inside her head seemed better to her than letting her son Brady use a ladder to retrieve said Frisbee. That’s a true story.

But that story took place back in the early 1980’s, and I can say with profound certitude that her ranking on the “All-Time Stupidest People” list, albeit still pretty high, has definitely dropped a few notches since then. As a matter of fact, it fell to a slightly lower slot just the other day, as I was the unfortunate (although somewhat entertained) witness of another person shifting the list. That’s something else I should mention, by the way. There’s definitely a two-edged sword affect going on when brainless nitwits boggle my intelligence. They piss me off AND make me laugh. I guess I should actually be commending stupid people, because they are quite possibly the only element in the universe capable of creating pleasurable anger. I believe these are the people who invented the term “oxymoron”. I’m just taking a feel-good stab at that one.

But getting back to the topic at hand, the latest entry on the “All-Time Stupidest People” list was a contestant on “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?”. That right there should tip you off as to where I’m going with this. For the particular woman of whom inspired me to share this blog, the answer to that question is a resounding NO!!! I’m talking about NO. Not the run-of-the-mill, typical, casually plain-stated “no”, but NO! It was nothing short of brilliant stupidity, spelled with a capital “the lights are out and nobody is home”. It amazes me that this woman even achieved the educational level necessary to pass the 5th grade, let alone the opportunity to win $250,000 by proving how smart she isn’t.

So without procrastination, let’s recreate this particular episode of “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?”, and answer each question on your own before reading on, just to see how your answers stack up to those provided by the contestant in question. Here we go.

4th Grade Earth Science:
Question: On which continent does the yak originate?

To be fair and completely objective, I’ll let you slide if you missed this one. Not everybody is familiar with the yak, unless of course you drink yourself into such a drunken stupor that you begin calling you buddy “mama” and ask him for a sip from his nipple. I think it’s fair to say that if you ever reach that point, you are definitely going to yak, and if that happens, it doesn’t matter which continent we’re talking about. But more specifically, I’m talking about Bos grunniens, or the mammal within the class of bovine. I’m sure you’ve seen one. It’s a large, muscular, wooly fucker that OBVIOULY needs to retain heat in order to survive the elements of its surroundings. Such an animal would NOT originate in the hot climate of Africa, but that was the contestant’s answer. If you’re like me (and most other people), you answered Asia correctly. Most of us have seen Tibetan and Mongolian yak-herders doing their thing in the Asian high-country on one nature documentary or another. But again, an incorrect answer here does not render the average person “stupid”, so you’re given a reprieve if you were wrong, but only this one time.

Let’s move on to the next question.

3rd Grade Chemistry:
Question: What is the name of the element “Zn”, commonly found in beef, poultry, and fish?

Hmm. That’s a toughie. “Zn”. What element on earth could possibly have the signature of Zn? Is it Zenith? It is Zion? No, it must be IRON!!! Well, that was the answer given by our intellectually gifted contestant. Apparently, since red meat is high in Iron, and chickens are on the same list (yes, she included chickens on the red meat list), then Iron must be the right answer. Isn’t it? I Zinc I’ll need to ponder that one for a while, but I’ll get back to you.

Moving along. Here’s where the dunce cap hits the floor.

2nd Grade Astronomy:
Question: Of all the planets, which one has the largest ring system?

Okay. Think about it for .004453 seconds. Question answered. A total no-brainer. Unless, of course, you’re the woman in question. I shit you NOT that this woman wrenched her brain for over a minute, trying to break things down, trying to visualize the solar system in her mind, trying to ignore the embarrassment of having just said that Zn was Iron, and finally “locked in” her answer with a complete guess when she had reached the end of her intellectual rope.

“I’ll say…oh geez…I really don’t know…umm…………Earth”. Insert the SLAM of the lock-in button, along with the certainty that this woman has etched her name upon the Wall Of Stupid Shame forever. Yes, she said, “Earth”. I don’t know about you, but I just love to sit out on my lawn every night with a drink in one hand, a stogie in the other, and gaze into the night sky at the beauty of Earth’s majestic rings. Don’t you? It’s such a glorious sight.

How in the HELL did this woman earn her way onto this game show? I wonder if the producers actually search for these people to serve as “comic relief”. I think they do. In fact, I’d be disappointed if they didn’t. You should feel that way, too. Who would want a bunch of really smart people to show up a bunch of 5th graders? That’s just wrong. We need to boost the confidence of our youth by surrounding them by really, REALLY dumb people, like the woman in question, in order to boost their egos and convince them that the stupid people of the world were meant to be laughed at. Face it. Stupid people make smart people smarter.

Like I said, stupid people can actually provide a certain level of education (and entertainment) to the rest of us. Hats off to the Jeannie McKelroys of the world. As much as they make me want to yak, they do serve a purpose.

C

Weeds

FADE IN:

EXT. YARD - DAY

Sal, 60's, weeds a corner of his yard on hands and knees, hums a tune. Armed with gloves and a garden tool, the task is easy. The small, unearthed pests get tossed into a bucket.

Satisfied with completion, he gazes at the opposite end of the yard. More weeds. Sal stands, hums with tranquility, approaches his next cluster of victims.

EXT. YARD - LATER

Sal continues his musical amusement, digs away. The last weed gets plopped into the bucket. He brushes his gloves together, a puff of dust. He wipes his brow.

Sal stands, tool and bucket in hand. His happy hum ends when he...

...looks at the previous corner he weeded. The weeds have returned, and then some.

SAL
Huh?

Taken aback, Sal scuffs across his lawn, inspects the new infestation.

SAL (CONT'D)
Well I'll be.

Back to his hands and knees, Sal addresses his new task.

EXT. YARD - LATER

Sal tosses a final weed into his bucket. The plot clean once again, he stands, clears the sweat from his face.

Bucket in grasp, he steps away from the clean soil, hears a SOUND that emanates from the opposite corner of the yard. Sal takes focus. Where the soil was once clean...

...several tall weeds are engrossed in an orgy. They hump each other vigorously, moan and groan with explicit raunch.

SAL
You gotta be kidding me.

EXT. YARD - LATER

A hoe slips in and out of clean, moist soil. No more weeds. Sal rakes the dirt smooth, exhales in exhaustion.

SAL
There.
(beat)
That was the damnedest thing I ever did see.

A loud SQUAWK makes Sal shudder. He overcomes his fear to turn around. There, in the previously clean corner sits...

...a small rain forest. A MACAW is perched on a branch. Two nearby monkeys eat bananas. A banana peel is flung to the lawn.

Complete shock on Sal's face. The hoe discovers gravity with a THUMP to the ground.

EXT. YARD - LATER

Sal dons goggles, approaches the forest with a chainsaw. Poised and ready to fire it up, the Macaw tilts its head, eyes the chainsaw ominously. The monkeys take to higher ground, nervous screeches.

Sal relinquishes, arms fall neutral.

SAL
Ah hell.
(beat)
I couldn't hack down a rain forest even if I wanted to.

Sal turns to walk away, nearly falls down.

SAL (CONT'D)
What the...

Sal's feet stumble through ankle-high grass. Upon inspection, the entire lawn has morphed into an equally thick blanket.

SAL (CONT'D)
(perplexed)
What in Sam Hill...

Sal grunts in anger, trudges across his lawn.

EXT. YARD - LATER

Sal propels a lawnmower with strenuous diligence. The lawn carved to perfection, he comes to a halt in front of the rain forest, kills the engine. He caresses his lower back, stands tall with a sigh of relief.

The monkeys and Macaw gaze at him with curiosity.

SAL
What are you looking at?

And then...

...a sinister WHOOSH slaps the air. Sal JERKS his attention to the opposite side of the yard. Like dominoes in reverse, the lawn erupts into massive growth, ten feet high, a cascading wave of grass on the attack.

SAL (CONT'D)
JESUS H. CHRIST...

The monkeys and Macaw go ballistic. Sal screams as he's swallowed by the wave of grass, falls to his back. With every ounce of survival instinct, he SCREAMS, thrashes away, hellbent to escape the imposing death-grip. And then...

SHOCK CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

Consumed by the sheets, Sal slashes away in bed during a violent nightmare.

SAL
NO! GET OFF ME!

A violent KICK tosses the sheets away. Sal comes to, gathers his bearings with deep gulps of air. He palms his face, breathes easier.

INT. HOUSE - MORNING

SERIES OF SHOTS:

1) Sal towel's off after a shower

2) Sal buttons up a blue-collar shirt

3) Sal grabs his keys and wallet from a table

EXT. HOUSE - MORNING

Sal slogs toward a van that reads "Sal's Lawn And Landscape".

SAL
Maybe it's time I start thinking about retirement. I've had enough of this monkey business.

CUT TO BLACK