Weeds

FADE IN:

EXT. YARD - DAY

Sal, 60's, weeds a corner of his yard on hands and knees, hums a tune. Armed with gloves and a garden tool, the task is easy. The small, unearthed pests get tossed into a bucket.

Satisfied with completion, he gazes at the opposite end of the yard. More weeds. Sal stands, hums with tranquility, approaches his next cluster of victims.

EXT. YARD - LATER

Sal continues his musical amusement, digs away. The last weed gets plopped into the bucket. He brushes his gloves together, a puff of dust. He wipes his brow.

Sal stands, tool and bucket in hand. His happy hum ends when he...

...looks at the previous corner he weeded. The weeds have returned, and then some.

SAL
Huh?

Taken aback, Sal scuffs across his lawn, inspects the new infestation.

SAL (CONT'D)
Well I'll be.

Back to his hands and knees, Sal addresses his new task.

EXT. YARD - LATER

Sal tosses a final weed into his bucket. The plot clean once again, he stands, clears the sweat from his face.

Bucket in grasp, he steps away from the clean soil, hears a SOUND that emanates from the opposite corner of the yard. Sal takes focus. Where the soil was once clean...

...several tall weeds are engrossed in an orgy. They hump each other vigorously, moan and groan with explicit raunch.

SAL
You gotta be kidding me.

EXT. YARD - LATER

A hoe slips in and out of clean, moist soil. No more weeds. Sal rakes the dirt smooth, exhales in exhaustion.

SAL
There.
(beat)
That was the damnedest thing I ever did see.

A loud SQUAWK makes Sal shudder. He overcomes his fear to turn around. There, in the previously clean corner sits...

...a small rain forest. A MACAW is perched on a branch. Two nearby monkeys eat bananas. A banana peel is flung to the lawn.

Complete shock on Sal's face. The hoe discovers gravity with a THUMP to the ground.

EXT. YARD - LATER

Sal dons goggles, approaches the forest with a chainsaw. Poised and ready to fire it up, the Macaw tilts its head, eyes the chainsaw ominously. The monkeys take to higher ground, nervous screeches.

Sal relinquishes, arms fall neutral.

SAL
Ah hell.
(beat)
I couldn't hack down a rain forest even if I wanted to.

Sal turns to walk away, nearly falls down.

SAL (CONT'D)
What the...

Sal's feet stumble through ankle-high grass. Upon inspection, the entire lawn has morphed into an equally thick blanket.

SAL (CONT'D)
(perplexed)
What in Sam Hill...

Sal grunts in anger, trudges across his lawn.

EXT. YARD - LATER

Sal propels a lawnmower with strenuous diligence. The lawn carved to perfection, he comes to a halt in front of the rain forest, kills the engine. He caresses his lower back, stands tall with a sigh of relief.

The monkeys and Macaw gaze at him with curiosity.

SAL
What are you looking at?

And then...

...a sinister WHOOSH slaps the air. Sal JERKS his attention to the opposite side of the yard. Like dominoes in reverse, the lawn erupts into massive growth, ten feet high, a cascading wave of grass on the attack.

SAL (CONT'D)
JESUS H. CHRIST...

The monkeys and Macaw go ballistic. Sal screams as he's swallowed by the wave of grass, falls to his back. With every ounce of survival instinct, he SCREAMS, thrashes away, hellbent to escape the imposing death-grip. And then...

SHOCK CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

Consumed by the sheets, Sal slashes away in bed during a violent nightmare.

SAL
NO! GET OFF ME!

A violent KICK tosses the sheets away. Sal comes to, gathers his bearings with deep gulps of air. He palms his face, breathes easier.

INT. HOUSE - MORNING

SERIES OF SHOTS:

1) Sal towel's off after a shower

2) Sal buttons up a blue-collar shirt

3) Sal grabs his keys and wallet from a table

EXT. HOUSE - MORNING

Sal slogs toward a van that reads "Sal's Lawn And Landscape".

SAL
Maybe it's time I start thinking about retirement. I've had enough of this monkey business.

CUT TO BLACK